MASSIVE PARTYTIME
by Corvus corone
Summary: Hawke can't understand it; why is it that everyone he meets seems to have slept with his sister? He could swear that everyone in this whole damn place is having an orgy behind his back. It's making his head hurt.


_A/N: Written for the prompt, "Everytime you met up with a new companion someone in your party has slept with them in the past. Be creative and cracktastic as possible." It's on the kink meme, but as I cannot write porn of any kind... have some crack fic instead. I lurk the kink meme archives for good crack prompts to write, you see._

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**MASSIVE PARTYTIME**

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"Bethany!" said Hawke, shocked. "You- you what? I didn't you did that sort of thing!"

"Sorry, brother," Bethany said, shifting her feet. "I didn't really want to tell you, but..."

"No worries, sunshine," said the dwarf. He winked at both of them. "So, what's it gonna be? I'm ready to smuggle you into Bartrand's good books, soon as you say you're in."

"You've already smuggled your way to Bethany in your smuggling to her smuggle!" said Hawke.

"... come again?" said Varric.

"My sister!" Hawke said, or rather, squeaked.

"Hawke," said Aveline, "perhaps you and Bethany can talk about this later. Not now."

"My sister!"

Aveline sighed. "How long are you going to be?"

"Oh, look!" said Bethany. "It's really not that big of a deal. It was only the one time, honestly!"

"A ONE-NIGHT STAND?" squawked Hawke. Varric, behind him, rolled his eyes. "Bu-but Bethany, you... ack!"

"Cheer up, chickenbrains," said Varric. "I made sure she got the best treatment in town. You agree, don't you? Sunshine?"

"It was very good," said Bethany, looking a little desperate and wishing that she'd learnt a silencing spell. Her brother was going to explode agai-

"GOOD?"

"Although it was a bit hairy," she admitted.

"Sunshine!" said Varric indignantly.

"Hawke!" said Aveline. "Both of you! We can discuss this later. Are you taking up this expedition offer or not?"

* * *

><p>Anders the renegade Grey Warden was a rather handsome man, or so Hawke couldn't help thinking, and it seemed his sister felt the same way. In fact...<p>

"Bethany!" said Hawke, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu. "You... I can't believe you didn't tell me! Again!"

"I didn't really mean to," said Bethany sheepishly. "It's just... well, it just happened, you know?"

"No!"

"Hey Blondie, how hairy are you?" said Varric.

"Excuse me?" said the renegade Warden in the middle of the arguing siblings.

"See, in _my_ experience, Sunshine over there likes her men without hair," Varric explained.

"In _your_ experience?"

"Stop talking about my sister like that!" shouted Hawke over them.

"Brother, there's no need to shout!"

Hawke spluttered a bit. "I can't believe you did it again! With an apostate mage! A Grey Warden! Who just so happens to be the man with the maps! That I need!"

"I'm also an apostate, if you haven't forgotten," said Bethany.

"So?"

"So go on, tell us the story, Sunshine," Varric said. "Will it help if I promise not to get jealous?"

Bethany glanced at Hawke, who was back to spluttering. "Well, I came down here last week to get my leg patched up, after that little spat with those gangs – remember? And then we got talking-"

"-about Ferelden, and being an apostate in this unjust world, and it all took off from there," said Anders, smirking slightly. "Want more details?"

"Keep them coming, Blondie," said Varric, getting out a notebook. "You too, Sunshine."

"So then, after a while it was obvious that she appreciated my manly charms, and she was leaning in to stroke my-"

"No!" said Hawke. "Stop!"

" –lips with her soft and arousing fingers," said Anders. "And then I thought-"

"MAPS I NEED MAPS," said Hawke, grimacing.

* * *

><p>"What maps?" said Anders.<p>

"Oh, it's you!" said Anders. The white-haired glowing elf with his hand dripping in gore stared at him sceptically.

"If you don't mind me asking, _who_?" said Varric.

"Met him in my clinic the other day," Anders said, "if you get my meaning. And when I say met, I mean I stuffed him up the arse. And by stuffed, I mean-"

"We all know what you mean!" said Hawke, screwing up his eyes.

"Really?" said Varric, looking impressed. "Blondie, I mean. Not you, chickenhead."

"Of course!" said Anders. He sounded somewhat hurt that Varric had to ask. "Isn't that right, ser?"

"You're a mage," said the mysterious elf. "I... I am surprised."

"Did you mean to say 'mage' there?" said Anders. "Because from here it sounded like you wanted to say 'dogshit'."

"Do you have something against mages?" said Bethany defensively.

"You had this guy in your clinic and he didn't know you were a mage?" said Varric.

"And by 'had', you mean-"

"Sure do."

"... I thought you were simply a skilled herbalist," growled the elf, his strange glowing intensifying. "If I had know then, I would never have..."

"Erupted with passion in my manly arms?" said Anders.

"That's a nice way of putting it," said Bethany appreciatively. She was a little stung that their night of passion seemed to have pushed Anders to batting for the other team, but otherwise... well, there was still Varric.

"Shut up!" shouted the elf, swinging his terrifyingly large sword in a threatening manner. "You-I cannot believe- you! Daring to taunt me with your disgusting blood magic and your-"

"Big sword, huh, Blondie?" said Varric, loading up Bianca.

"Definitely needs compensation for that crotch-puppy he shoved in my mouth," said Anders, nodding wisely. "Or tried to, anyway."

"Aaaaraarghhplapptratman!" said Hawke, kicking the elf in said crotch-puppy.

The rest of the party turned to stare at him. So did the elf, panting heavily.

"Is... something wrong, brother?"

"No," said Hawke after a short silence. He turned to the elf. "So... what's your name?"

* * *

><p>"Oh, hi there, Anders," said Isabela, smiling. "What's up?"<p>

"Just wanted to say good job with those idiots there," said Anders. He nodded to the group of people behind him. "Hawke, Varric, Bethany – this is Isabela. She's a pirate captain." He beamed.

"How do you two know each other?" said Hawke suspiciously.

"Intimately," said Isabela. She winked. "I wouldn't mind getting to know you and your friends too."

"She's my sister!" said Hawke.

"You don't look much alike," said Varric.

"I meant Bethany!"

"What?" said Bethany, her mind spinning. "Wait, Anders? Are you and Isabela... involved?"

"With a couple of the ladies down at the Rose too, mind you," said Isabela. "Fun night, wasn't it?"

"I could do with a repeat, thanks to how my last fling turned out," said Anders. "Hey, what was that thing you did with the rope and the breadstick?"

Isabela laughed. "A speciality invention of mine! I'd quite like to-"

"Is there anyone in this town that you or my sister haven't slept with yet?" said Hawke, downing his mug of ale.

"You?"

"Want to come down tonight? I'll correct that for you," said Anders.

"Ooh, can I join in?" said Isabela. "Especially if you do that trick with the electricity."

"You mean when I put my fingers up a girl's-"

"MORE ALE PLEASE," said Hawke.

* * *

><p>"Hello, my name's Merrill. Do you mind if I ask you your names? Unless... it's not rude, is it?"<p>

"The name's Hawke," Hawke started, and was interrupted again.

"Oh! Isabela!" said Merrill. "I'm so happy to see you again! But I thought you weren't coming back. Is everything alright?"

"How do you know Isabela?" Hawke said, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"How else does anyone know Isabela?" said Anders.

"With breadsticks," Isabela said. "Really, Hawke, I demand that you try me out. You won't regret it. I'll even bring the breadsticks!"

Merrill ran up to her and hugged her tightly, before letting go with a gasp. "I can't believe you're here again! It's been so boring since you left, and everyone's been so... oh, I don't know. You are the ones that are going to take me to the city, aren't you?"

"Of course, kitten," said Isabela. "Hawke?"

"...how? When?"

"Oh, it was just after the shipwreck," Isabela explained. "Merrill just so happened to be walking on the beach when I washed up, and of course I had to repay her for the favours."

"But there isn't even a beach anyway near here!" said Hawke.

"It was a long walk," said Merrill.

"Are you going to have hot reunion sex?" said Anders. "Can I watch?"

"Only if you get Hawke to join in," said Isabela. "I really want to try out that double rope-trick with a man underneath – Anders, you remember we were testing out something like that, that night?"

"I keep telling you, you need some more lubrication on those things. I can help, honestly. Just a bit of magic oil on the side knots, and it'll be fine."

"But what about the second man's cock? Won't we need another rolling pin between them?" said Isabela, thinking hard. "Oh, whatever. You do your mage thing."

"...are you sure everything's alright?" said Merrill, watching Hawke stuffing his fingers into his ears and humming to himself.

"Nothing to worry about, kitten," said Isabela cheerfully. "You're a mage, aren't you? This is going to be brilliant!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Aveline, you haven't had... relations with anyone in the group, have you?" said Hawke one day, socialising with Aveline in her office.<p>

"The group?" said Aveline. "Remind me again who you mean?"

"You know, Varric, Anders, Isabela, that lot. My sister. Please don't say it's my sister."

"In that case, no," said Aveline. "Has your sister been up to something that I should know about?"

"Oh good," said Hawke. "It's just that everyone else has. Been up in her, I mean."

"... I see," said Aveline, raising her eyebrow. "I suppose Isabela's been teaching her all her tricks."

"And Anders," said Hawke mournfully. "Are you sure you haven't slept with Anders?"

"Certainly not," said Aveline.

"Alright then."

Hawke munched on a biscuit and did his best to look interested in Aveline's paperwork.

"Ser Wesley and I did have a brief encounter with Carver, however," Aveline said. "Together."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe it," said Hawke miserably. "My sister is having sex with them. All of them. At the same time. AND I CAN HEAR THEM THROUGH THE BLOODY WALL. When did this start happening?"<p>

"That... _Anders_," Fenris muttered. "The sooner the templars find that abomination, the better."

"She was such a prude back at Lothering!" said Hawke. "And then... that dwarf... Anders... no..."

"... making me look like a fool, he will pay..." Fenris was still muttering to himself. He looked up. "Yes? You were saying?"

"Meh," said Hawke, sliding down his seat to smack his forehead on the table. "You're guilty too! Anders! You! Guh..."

"And I regret it immensely," Fenris informed him. "I should have hoped you'd got that message by now. That arrogant little mage with his unnatural glowing theatre show... how could he have dared to-"

"Seriously, I can't tell if you're saying 'mage' or 'dogshit'," said Hawke distractedly. He lifted his head off the table (it smelt like dogshit). "I still can't believe you couldn't tell he was a mage when he healed you. The robes?"

Fenris grunted. "You've got something on your forehead. I was blinded at the time! I could not see a thing, let alone study his clothing."

"I hate this place," said Hawke, picking something brown, smelly and sticky off his face. "Did _you _know that Guard-Captain Aveline and her husband had a threeway with _my brother_?"

"I didn't even know you had a brother."

They sat in silence. The sounds coming from the room next door were far too happy for either of their tastes.

Fenris shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Want to fuck?"

"Yeah," said Hawke, getting up.

* * *

><p><em>AN II: Poor prude!Hawke. It also seems that Awakening!Anders has crept in, rather than the angst-filled broken DA2 version - sorry 'bout that. :P It also seems that I can't write anything except dialogue; perhaps I should try to improve on this._


End file.
